cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
