Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
