god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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