I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just invented taco cereal.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
