Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
