direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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