i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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