Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
