tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
