He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
