The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
