you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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