I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
