i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Your dad touched me again.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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