I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
