Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
