2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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