I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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