I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
