The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
