Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
