update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
