I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
