I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
