I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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