can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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