Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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