I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize