My friends, they love my intelligence
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
