just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The power of my boobs compel you
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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