I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
