I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
