I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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