Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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