Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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