So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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