I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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