Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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