I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
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we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
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I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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