Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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