I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
