Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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