I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm too high and old for this...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
