it was like his penis was on wheels.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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