You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
