sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
