don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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