when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
