I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
