if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We named our party play list daddy issues
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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