A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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