Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
