just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
