I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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