Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
