I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
