I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
