OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
