my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
