I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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