YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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