You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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